Wives Aren't Commanded to Love Their Husbands?

Once again, I am encouraged by how important it is to read and know our Bible. And once again, I am reminded how easy it is to simply but dangerously trust other authors and preachers about the Bible without knowing ourselves.

This morning I read Titus 2. One word arrested my attention and launched me on a simple study: love. 

The author of a popular marriage book I've used in counseling wrote something like, Men are commanded to love their wives, but women are only commanded to respect their husbands.  He based his argument on Ephesians 5:22-33. In those verses, he's correct, but he went on to say that nowhere in the Bible is a woman told to love her husband. Sadly, I repeated his words, trusting that his statement was correct. However, he is wrong, so I've repeated his false information.  (I'm very sorry if I've shared this lie with you. I was wrong.) 

Titus 2:4 says that older women are to teach younger women "to love their husbands and to love their children."

I opened my Greek New Testament. The word is similar to phileo and means to have affection for or show love to your husband. 

Out of curiosity, I quickly researched and discovered that the popular author had received some pushback about his statements. He wrote a blog post and recorded a video, I suspect, to defend his argument. He appealed to a widespread and often repeated misunderstanding of the three primary Greek words for love. "Misunderstanding" may be too strong of a word, but indeed an over-realized sense of category. In other words, trusting other teachers, sometimes we think of the three Greek words for love as degree levels, but that doesn't capture the proper nuance.

The author says that agape love is unconditional love. He argues that phileo love is a friendship component or friendship love, but it's not love-love or unconditional like agape. Instead, it's a lower level of love or a different kind of love. And finally, he says there's the eros which is sexual (which we find nowhere in the Greek New Testament). This all sounds nice, but it over-simplifies these terms. It has some truth, but it's far more complicated.

For example, Jesus says, "Even sinners (agape) love those who (agape) love them" (Luke 6:23). He's getting at a condition, isn't he? Jesus was encouraged to heal the centurion's servant because the centurion "(agape) loves our nation and built us a synagogue" (Luke 7:5). It turns out we can (agape) love money, darkness, and fame (Matthew 6:24, John 3:19, and John 12:43).

When we look at phileo love, Jesus said, "For the Father (phileo) loves the Son and shows him everything he is doing" (John 520). That sounds like more than friendship. He also said, "for as many as I (phileo) love, I rebuke" (Revelation 3:19). John 16:27 says, "For the Father himself loves you because you have (phileo) loved me." 1 Corinthians 16:22 says, "If anyone does not (phileo) love the Lord, a curse be on him."

Returning to the author's statement that nowhere in the Bible is a wife commanded to (agape) love her husband, we should consider Jesus' commands. Jesus said, "I give you a new command: (agape) love one another. Just as I have (agape) loved you, you are also to (agape) love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you (agape) love one another" (John 13:34). He also said, "(agape) love your neighbor" (Mark 12:23) and "(agape) love your enemies" (John 6:27). So clearly, God has commanded wives to (agape) love their husbands, even if her husband is not a believer, and even if they are estranged and fighting, not even living together. God has also instructed young women to (phileo) love their husbands and children (Titus 2:4).   

The author also argued that the woman is not "commanded" to (agape) love her husband because she already naturally does this. Still, she doesn't naturally have a friendship (phileo) relationship with her husband. He says it's precisely the opposite for the husband, so God doesn't command the husband to have a (phileo) friendship with his wife, but the husband is commanded to (agape) love her. This idea is a broad-sweeping over-generalization and is nowhere demonstrated in the Bible.

This entire thing should remind us how essential reading and studying the Bible is for God's flock. If we don't read and study for ourselves, we'll likely eat lousy food from any source without discernment.

Study on!